SONIC: Okay. On the count of three, we'll take ten steps, then draw. You ready?

TAILS: I'm ready.

KNUCKLES: I'm ready. You ready?

TAILS: I'm ready.

SONIC: I'm ready, you ready?

KNUCKLES: I'm ready.

TAILS: I'm ready. You ready?

SONIC: I said I was ready! One ... two ... three ...

[They pace away from each other, stiff-legged]

SONIC: Eight ... nine ... ten! Draw yer weapons!

[All three pull out ice cream scoops and half-gallons of ice cream and begin hurling scoops at each other. In the midst of all this, Amy walks in and takes a glob of ice cream in the eye.]

AMY: [Shrieks] Ahhh! You got ice cream all over my blouse!

SONIC: Sorry! Get out of the way, you little hare-brained twit!

AMY: What did you call me??

TAILS: He called you an ugly zit!

AMY: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME???

KNUCKLES: He called you a total lack wit!

[Amy whips out her mallet and begins smashing everything in the room in a mad frenzy. Sonic, Tails and Knuckles flee for the theater.]

5 ...4...3...2...1...

SONIC: Blue streak speeds by ...

KNUCKLES: What am I gonna do with this stupid hat? Wear it the whole time?

TAILS: You think you've got it bad? Mine's chafing my ears! Whoever invented hats ought to be shot.

SONIC: What about my spurs? I can't bang my heels against my chair!

Espio looked over the trees just in time to see

TAILS: Me smashing a jug of ice cream on Amy's head.

SONIC: She needs a hat, too.

Slasher taking off.

KNUCKLES: Her hat.

Then he heard the familiar sound of someone

TAILS: Hitting a brick wall at high speed.

moving
      at incredible speed. He talked into a communicator.

SONIC: [with a heavy Texan drawl] Yeah boss, that thayre hedge-e-hog just smashed into that wall lahk you wouldn't bu-leeve. Mayde a reeal mess, too.

      "I've found them, but they're headed out of the Forest.

KNUCKLES: Mirkwood!

I don't think there will be time for anyone to join me."

SONIC: The train's moving too fast. Goodbye, cruel world!

TAILS: Next life could you kindly refrain from throwing yourself at the mercy of a train?

      "Okay, Espio. I'm sticking around

KNUCKLES: I've got this stick wrapped around my neck.

here to find out more about that monster."

TAILS: [singing] Hey digimon hey digimon, monster friends for the Mobians!

Vector answered.

SONIC: [As Vector] We don't need no stinking Digimon.

      Sally borrowed Vector's communicator.

SONIC: And never gave it back.

TAILS: Where did Sally come from?

KNUCKLES: She popped out of nowhere, the ugly zit.

"Are they all there?"

TAILS: Yeah, Sally ate a load of chocolate.

      Espio answered, "Slasher is flying with

KNUCKLES: Jetpacks.

Tails, Knuckles, Dash, and someone I can't recognize

SONIC: They're all flapping their arms as hard as they can.

along for the ride. Sonic
      is, of course, following on foot."

SONIC: How come I always get left behind?

TAILS: It could be worse. You might be like Amy and always be getting kidnapped.

      Rotor, who was with searching with

KNUCKLES: A metal detector.

SONIC: [As Rotor] Look! I found a quarter!

Mighty in another area of the

TAILS: Armchair.

SONIC: Desert.

KNUCKLES: Desolate lunar landscape.

Forest, joined in on another communicator.

KNUCKLES: [As Mighty] Do you know where I am?

TAILS: Behind the chair.

KNUCKLES: Aw rats.

"What
      does the other rider look like?"

SONIC: She's wearing ice cream all over her blouse. [snicker]

      "Black fur, a Hedgehog I think."

KNUCKLES: The heck? I thought Myron was an echidna!

TAILS: He underwent a strenuous species change since our last segment.

      "Maybe Sonic can tell you who it is." Mighty replied.

SONIC: Don't look at me, I just work here.

      "I'm about to find out."

KNUCKLES: How do you turn an echidna into a hedgehog?

TAILS: Evolution!

KNUCKLES: Right. Okay, first we need an echidna. Next, we need loads and loads of that magic ingredient.

SONIC: Frog guts?

KNUCKLES: No, you unindoctrinated fool, Time! Time is the magic ingredient! With enough time, you can turn an echidna into a hedgehog and back again!

SONIC: Prove it.

KNUCKLES: Well, uh ... you're here, aren't you? I'm here, aren't I? It must have happened!

TAILS: That's not proof.

KNUCKLES: But ... but ... I'm sure it happened, we've tacked trillions of years onto the age of the universe! That guy and that kid used that car to go back in time and write the textbooks! Evolution is true, I know it!

TAILS: What kind of car was it?

KNUCKLES: DeLorean, I think. Why do you ask?

TAILS: You sure it wasn't a phone booth?

KNUCKLES: A phone booth? Why a phone booth?

TAILS: Because that would explain everything.

SONIC: Um ... you guys? We have a whole fanfic to read.

KNUCKLES: What? Oh, yeah, right.

      Espio took off running head first,

SONIC: [in a Texan drawl] And hit that thayre wall.

knowing that he would need to be fast to catch up and find out what was going on.

TAILS: I still don't know what was going on. [He looks at Knuckles, who is ripping chunks out of the chair with his teeth.]

      Sonic eventually approached some hills.

TAILS: It took him a long time to reach them, as he was only walking.

SONIC: Help! Help! Tails, he's got my arm! OW!!

Slasher slowed down overhead, knowing that Sonic would be taking a lot of
      turns

TAILS: At Sonic Shuffle.

SONIC: OW! OW! OW! Don't make me spindash, Knux!

and would not be able to run in a straight line.

TAILS: Yeah, well, grog'll do that.

[A whizz from Sonic as he spindashes across the theater and smashes Knuckles into the wall. Sonic comes back and sits down.]

SONIC: That fixed him.

Neither of them saw that Sonic was being followed.

KNUCKLES: You got that right. You know what it's like to be spindashed by a hedgehog who's wearing spurs?

SONIC: No, but I've been punched by an echidna wearing a hat.

KNUCKLES: Hey, this is my Anime look.

TAILS: Don't talk to me about the Sonic Anime! I had a cold the whole time! It was awful!

      Sonic took a turn and started on a road around a hill.

[Tails and Knuckles singing] He'll be coming around the mountain when he comes!

2 minutes later, Espio appeared and ran UP the hill.

[Sonic singing] The chameleon went over the mountain to see what he could see!

Sonic
      continued to move through the twisting trail

TAILS: He was on a debug error and was half in the ground.

and eventually ran along a path that was adjacent to a smooth cliff wall.
      Then, he noticed that someone was behind him.

KNUCKLES: It was Metal Sonic! Sonic screamed in pain as the laser ripped through his back, then he was falling end over end, toward the sharp rocks at the foot of the cliff ...

SONIC: That's not funny. There are fanfics like that.

TAILS: They aren't so bad, thought, because once Sonic's dead, I'm the hero!

He looked back, unconsciously slowing a bit.

SONIC: You slow down a lot when you're unconscious.

When he looked
      forward again, he was surprised to see

KNUCKLES: An anvil fall out of nowhere and smash him flat.

TAILS: Needless to say, Sonic was deeply impressed.

Espio running on the wall a few feet ahead.

SONIC: Those are some cleats he's wearing.

      "Hey, half of Knothole is looking for you, Tails, Knuckles,

TAILS: Sally, Roter, Bunnie, Amy, Big the Cat, the whole Dark Legion, Julie-su, Chaos, the rest of the Chaotix, and need I start on the fan characters?

and Dash." Espio told him.

SONIC: Any fan character is better than Dash Dumbicoot.

KNUCKLES: Sonic, he IS a fan character.

      Sonic caught up again. "We're headed to the ruins Dash came from. We're hoping that we can stop that monster by
      separating its Master Emerald into multiple pieces."

TAILS: Can't you just say "smash the Master Emerald"?

      "What!?!?"

KNUCKLES: Said Knuckles. "Do you know what will happen to my island?"

      "Dash'll explain when we get there."

SONIC: He's bringing a jackhammer and a pickaxe.

      "Okay then." Espio grinned.

TAILS: [as Espio] I'll get my plastic explosives!

"Last one there is a rotten Eggman." Then, the chameleon ran up the wall

SONIC: He's one of the people who can fake out the Matrix.

in order to
      bypass the meandering path Sonic was taking.

      Sonic was not someone who would pass up a little competition. He started to run at full speed.

KNUCKLES: [As Robotnik] How do you plan to catch the Hedgehog, Snively?

TAILS: [As Snively] By appealing to his inflated ego, sir.

SONIC: Hey!

SONIC: A tesseract!

Pip looked at the monster for a while.

KNUCKLES: Wait, didn't Pip get teleported away by the Freaky Hooded Creature?

SONIC: She must have been warped back in time and is still facing Chaos.

TAILS: Plot hole alert!

After thinking hard, she decided to give her idea a go.

KNUCKLES: She pulled out her rope, lassoed Chaos and heaved him into Robotropolis, flooding the entire city in seconds! Chaos, infuriated, let loose his Thunder, Rain and Lightning ...

Reaching into her
      rucksack,

TAILS: Her what?

SONIC: A rucksack is what rednecks carry instead of a backpack.

she pulled out a small gray disc. The second it came into contact range of her wing, it clamped onto it tight,
      as if there was a magnet inside it.

SONIC: It bit a gaping hole in her wing, then moved on to her leg, snarling in rabid fury ...

Raising her wing slightly, she aimed it at Chaos. There was a blast of energy and

KNUCKLES: Her wing blew to bits.

she
      went flying backwards, against a wall.

TAILS: A wall in the middle of the forest?

      'If that doesn't stop it, I don't know what will,' she thought to herself.
      She took her wing away from her eyes. The monster was still there.

SONIC: What dry, humorous comment do you make when your superweapon just fizzled?

KNUCKLES: How about: So long, and thanks for all the fish.

      "It was worth a try, even if I did promise that I wouldn't use it again..." she muttered,

SONIC: Sally made her sign a contract not to use that weapon ever again.

TAILS: Which is why Pip carried it every where she went.

removing the electro booster and

SONIC: Her nosering.

      putting it back into her rucksack.

TAILS: It's made out of a burlap sack and says "Cream of Wheat" on it.

      The next thing that she produced was a cap with 'electricity inspector' written across the top of it and put it on
      back-to-front.

[Sonic, Tails and Knuckles fall out of the chair laughing at a bat wearing a hat, too]

      Running down the corridor to get away from the patrolling robots

KNUCKLES: The heck? What scene are we in, anyway? She's not in the forest? If so, why's Chaos in the city?

SONIC: I guess this isn't a plothole--it's a leap of logic!

which she knew would come running at the sound of
      the explosion.

TAILS: Who wouldn't? Robots like fireworks, too.

She paused at another junction to think some more.

SONIC: Pip must have the memory capacity of a goldfish. Two minutes.

KNUCKLES: She needs more RAM.

      "That's it!"

TAILS: She needs a new video card, too!

      She clicked on her pocket communicator.

SONIC: And fed her gigapet.

      "Knothole, come in. This is Pip Bat, I repeat, come in! I do like saying that..."

KNUCKLES: Knothole, come in at once! You haven't had your bath and it's freezing cold!

      There was a pause then--

SONIC: A horrifying screech! An alien burst out of the communicator and wrapped it's poisonous tentacles around Pip's neck ...

"We hear you, what's up?"

TAILS: [as Pip] I--have--an--alien--wrapped--around--my--neck--

      "I'm kinda stuck in Robotropolis. The monster is outside and won't let me leave.

KNUCKLES: Ah, the leap of logic is explained.

[Sonic gets up and jumps twenty feet straight up, waving his cowboy hat]

TAILS: How'd you do that?

SONIC: It was a leap of logic.

Oh yeah, I got here by some magic.

SONIC: She Apparated.

      Someone magical and mystical but still off his rocker."

KNUCKLES: The Freaky Hooded Creature did it!

TAILS: And Aliens ate my Babysitter!

      "Are you sure that you're feeling all right?"

TAILS: Yeah, well, grog'll do that.

      "YES!"
      "Oh well... I'd get some sleep in if I were you..."

SONIC: Good idea. Do you know how long I've gone without sleep now?

TAILS: Three minutes.

SONIC: Exactly!

      In frustration, she clicked the communicator off.

KNUCKLES: [as Pip] Doggone thing can't pick up any radio stations!

She didn't know that every word that had been

SONIC: Viciously mutilated and eaten.

said had been heard

TAILS: By an ear, duh.

      by Metal Sonic,

KNUCKLES: WHO?

SONIC: You know, that guy who played Old Maid with Amy.

KNUCKLES: Oh, him. He's a nice guy.

TAILS: It doesn't say much when Sonic's evil robot duplicate is nicer than he is.

SONIC: I think he's just dumber than I am.

who had a device for listening in to any messages inside Robotropolis...

TAILS: [As Metal Sonic] And you wouldn't believe some of the stuff I've learned ...

      She decided on a plan of action.

KNUCKLES: She would put one bullet in the chamber, spin it, then put it to her head and pull the trigger.

She knew vaguely where Robotnik's main control center was.

SONIC: That part of her brain was spattered on the wall.

TAILS: Ewww!!

Pip reached the door
      and kicked it in.

SONIC: Freeze! Police!

KNUCKLES: And all the police freeze.

Every occupant of the room turned around to face her.

TAILS: [As the cops from Sonic Adventure] Oh no! Our weapons are useless!

SONIC: [as Pip] I'm a rootin'-tootin'-lasso-loopin'-popgun-shootin'-Killer Bat!

      "Hi, I'm Pip, the electricity inspector! I have come to inform you that there is a water monster surrounding
      Robotropolis.

KNUCKLES: Causing the worst electrical short I've ever seen.

Would you kindly remove it so that I can be on my way?"

SONIC: Said Pip as she was mugged by several robots carrying lamps and potted plants.

"Hey, Floyd, did you hear that?" asked Basil.

TAILS: [As Floyd] Are you kiddin'? I can't hear colors.

Floyd, shotgun by his side, looked around the forest with shifty eyes.

KNUCKLES: His eyes were so shifty he got dizzy and fell down.

"I
      think so, Baz.. if we can capture that little bugger...."

SONIC: Where have you been? It's a monster, not an insect.

TAILS: Maybe it's a monster insect.

"***** FLOYD! LOOK UP!" shouted Basil.

KNUCKLES: The above word was censored for good reason. It was a Dreaded Expletive.

TAILS: What's that?

SONIC: [gasp] The Dreaded Expletive? No Tails, you're too young to understand.

Floyd looked
      up, and saw

SONIC: The sky.

KNUCKLES: The ceiling.

TAILS: The falling anvil. What's the Dreaded Expletive? C'mon guys ...

what looked like a giant lizard..

KNUCKLES: But of course it WASN'T a giant lizard.

and it was FLYING! "How many freakin' new species are in this danged
      forest?" Floyd asked, through his teeth.

TAILS: Apparently, quite a few. They had come to a time of Spontanious Evolution. C'mon guys, what's the Dreaded Expletive??

SONIC: Don't start the evolution jokes again, my arm still has toothmarks on it.

He aimed his shotgun, and began to fire at the creature..

SONIC: And Slasher coiled in midair, gave a shriek, and plummetted to the ground, twitching and shaking her head, then lay on the ground and pretended to be dead. She was normal, but at the same time ... STRANGELY normal!

KNUCKLES: That was an amazing switch of subjects.

but it was too far up,
      and too fast.

KNUCKLES: Remember that this is a Self Insert, and therefore invincible.

It seemed to have passengers.. Floyd squinted. "Well, I'll be a mud-monkey! Baz, lookie up there! Isn't
      that Myron, wot is flying on that lizard?"

TAILS: I love their phony Australian accents.

"Hey, yeah.. I think it is!" replied Basil. "Sometimes I think I'm totally losing it!"

SONIC: Whoa. The fic is bashing itself!

TAILS: I wish they would keep doing it so we could go home.

      Suddenly, a figure appeared before them.

KNUCKLES: On the screen. Funny, figures have been appearing before me the whole time I've been on this stupid satellite.

"SURPRISE, LUNKHEADS!" came a voice. The turkeys turned, and saw

SONIC: Another lunkhead.

TAILS: A slime-covered monster.

KNUCKLES: Sally.

      Thorn standing there. "H***, Thorn, what are you doin' here?" asked Floyd.

TAILS: Ha! I saw that before you censored it! Was that a Dreaded Expletive?

SONIC: Actually, that was just a minor expletive. A Dreaded Expletive is usually the name of a particular deity.

TAILS: Why couldn't you just tell me that before?

KNUCKLES: Because ... we had to wait until it was FUNNY! *He turns into Joker and runs away laughing. Sonic turns into Batman, catches him and brings him back.*

"I'm chasing the hedgehog." Thorn replied.

SONIC: Quick Basil and Floyd, to the Batmobile!

      "That &^$&$ Sonic is a real pain in the *&%*." Basil giggled.

KNUCKLES: I didn't censor those. They must have been really bad.

SONIC: That stupid Sonic is a real pain in the sternoclynomastoid. What's so bad about that?

"You reckon you can kill anyone, Thorn! You found
      your match?"

TAILS: She lit up her cigarette.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Thorn.

SONIC: You made me burn my finger!

"I'm not supposed to kill him, anyway... and CAPTURING someone is a
      lot harder."

KNUCKLES: Hint hint.

SONIC: I wasn't the one who boarded the Egg Carrier and got us shot up here.

TAILS: Yeah you were. I just flew the plane where you wanted to go.

She looked up at Slasher, who was flying out of sight. "By the way, if you two are looking for the liquid
      monster, it's around Robotropolis."

SONIC: Continuity. I'm impressed. Somebody actually paid attention to the story for a change.

TAILS: It wasn't me, honest.

Floyd's eyes lit up. "Gee, thanks Thorn! Hey, you're not such a bad maniacal
      assassin from another universe, after all!"

KNUCKLES: [As Thorn] Aw, gee ...

Thorn grumbled, and ran off, pursuing the raptor and it's passengers.. and
      Sonic.

TAILS: She's still Amy, after all, and wanted him to play Space Channel 5.

"Hey, Floyd, do you hear that?" asked Basil.

SONIC: Okay, I've seen this scene before.

TAILS: Word for word! I don't believe it!

Floyd pricked up his ears..

KNUCKLES: What ears? He's a turkey!

the sound of chanting.. The hunters
      walked through the clearing, and saw a robed figure doing a strange dance, and chanting.

KNUCKLES: I don't believe it! It's the Freaky Hooded Creature again!

"'ERE! YOU THERE!"
      shouted Floyd.

SONIC: [as Floyd] HOLD STILL WHILE I BLOW OFF YOUR HEAD WITH THIS 'ERE GUN!

The figure stopped, and turned to them. "You have interrupted me.. you will pay dearly." he said,
      coldly.

TAILS: No allowance for a month!

SONIC: [as Floyd and Basil] Aw maaaan!

"Like to see you try it!" said Basil.

KNUCKLES: You'll give us our allowance like it or not!

The figure held his hands out, and they began to glow.

SONIC: Anime Force powers! You know, if Star Wars was anime, the Force would consist of large jumps and shooting giant fireballs from the hands.

TAILS: Cool, I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jenni.

"Ere, Floyd! He's
      gonna do some kinda magic mumbo-jumbo to us!" warned Basil. "Don't worry, we're armed!" replied Floyd. He
      loaded his musket, aimed and... BLAM!" the figure went flying back, and landed still on the ground.

KNUCKLES: Wow, now that's a way to deal with evil wizard-type-dudes.

SONIC: Cowabunga!

Floyd put on a
      satisfied grin.

KNUCKLES: From the sack on his back. He also had a cheese puff, and a key. I don't know what it's for, but you never know.

"The lesson concludes!" he said. Basil turned to where the figure was dancing.

TAILS: And turned on the disco ball and music.

"Hey, what's that?" he
      asked. Floyd walked over, and picked up a strange skull.

SONIC: [as the skull] I am Murray! The all-powerful demonic skull! Bwua hahahahahaha!!

KNUCKLES: What about the people who have never played Monkey Island and have no clue what you're doing?

SONIC: Oh c'mon, I have a whole bunch of Murray riffs lined up!

"Hey, it's got little red lights inside!" he declared. Suddenly, a
      voice boomed out of the skull. "PUT ME DOWN, IMBECILES!"

SONIC: OR YOU WILL BE DESTROYED BY ETERNAL HELLFIRE! BWA HAHAHAHA!! Well, really, I can't do that to you. I mean, I'm just a skull with no arms or legs. But it would be nice if you and I, you with your guns, I with my powers, could form a team and terrorize the WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No, wait ... if you help me, I'll plant flowers around the orphanage.

TAILS: Too late, you already blew it.

it shouted. Floyd snorted. "Fat chance, bonehead."

TAILS: But don't get me wrong, I appreciate the offer.

      He unzipped his backpack, and slipped it in.

KNUCKLES: [as Murray] I'll get you for this! I swear I will!

SONIC: [as Floyd] And how will you do that?

KNUCKLES: [as Murray] Well ... er ... I'll bite you!

"This should fetch us a pretty penny back at Dust Hill City, eh Floyd?"
      said Basil, with a chuckle. After they left, the figure they gunned down stood up again, and brushed himself off.

TAILS: And unfolded the letter a kid from the future had written him thirty years ago. He pulled aside his robe to reveal a bulletproof vest.

His
      unblinking red eyes blazed... "I _will_ get my master back.." he growled...

SONIC: The dude in the hood is Metal Sonic and the skull is Robotnik!

KNUCKLES: A light pole after getting nailed by an eighteen-wheeler.

"There's the dig," Dash announced, sitting up and pointing.

SONIC: From his crypt.

He had ridden most of the way in a slumped position,
      terrified of losing his balance,

SONIC: Until I pushed him off.

TAILS: But you're not riding Slasher, remember?

SONIC: Oh yeah. Too bad.

but now seemed to regain some life.

KNUCKLES: Which the dementors had sucked out of him.

Below then was a huge bare area carved out of a
      hillside.

TAILS: By a huge knife.

KNUCKLES: The stream had been whittling away at it, too, trying to make those interlocking wood chains.

Various vehicles and archeological tools lay about the area, tossed and half buried, as if by flood waters.

SONIC: Wow, looks like perfect chaos down there!

*Tails and Knuckles stare at him*

      Slasher exchanged a glance with Knuckles and said nothing but,

SONIC: Will you please return your seat to an upright and locked position.

TAILS: Better put jam in your pockets, because we're all about to be toast.

KNUCKLES: We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, promote the general welfare, provide for the common defense, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

SONIC: He always has to outdo us.

"Where do you want to land?"

      "Oh, about right there--near the mine shaft in the hill."

TAILS: That looks like the perfect lair for a hideous monster.

      The big raptor circled gently downward, taking her time; not diving straight down as she usually would have.

KNUCKLES: Nice of her. Notice how NetRaptor is squirming in agony at the sight of all these superfluous sentences.

At last
      they came to rest on the slightly muddy ground, and her four passengers slid off.

SONIC: Whoa! It REALLY looks like perfect chaos down here!

To their surprise, she reared up and
      gave a thunderous barking call that echoed off the surrounding hills.

TAILS: She was the raptor in Jurassic Park that walked into the kitchen and made those loud sounds to call in the other raptor.

KNUCKLES: Of course, that was before she had the operation done to implant the wings.

SONIC: I can see ILM throwing a fit from here. *grins*

"Why did you do that?" Myron asked evenly.
      Slasher shrugged good-naturedly.

TAILS: Adverbs!

SONIC: "I can't see," he said blindly.

KNUCKLES: "It's snowing," he said icily.

TAILS: "A siren," he said in alarm.

SONIC: "The breeze feels nice," he said airily.

KNUCKLES: "I like the woods," he said good-naturedly.

TAILS: "I've been playing Nights," he said dreamily.

SONIC: "I'm napping," he said lazily.

KNUCKLES: "Where are the lights?" he said darkly.

TAILS: Yeah, well, grog'll do that.

SONIC: Hey, you messed me up!

"I was letting Sonic know where we are. He'll be here in a minute."

SONIC: Where were we again?

*Knuckles makes Slasher's barking noise*

SONIC: Oh yeah.

      And so he was. Panting and a bit tired, but definitely there.

KNUCKLES: Toting a cup from 7-eleven he had grabbed on his way up.

SONIC: That's my kind of speed.

"So what do we do?" the blue hedgehog asked, nursing his

TAILS: Foot where a five-ton boulder had fell on it.

      side where a stitch had developed.

      "Go inside," Dash said,

SONIC: Crazily.

picking his way toward the dark entrance to the mine. Or what looked like a mine.

TAILS: It's mine!

KNUCKLES: No, it's mine!

SONIC: No, it's a mime!

*Tails and Knuckles together* You can have it.

It turned out
      to be a large stone passage that led straight back into the hill, as if cut by a machine.

KNUCKLES: Yeah, one of the Ancient Echidna Digging Machines. You think we dug all those passages with our HANDS?

SONIC: Actually, yes.

KNUCKLES: What are you, nuts? These claws on my knuckles are Hollywood special effects!

"We uncovered the entrance
      accidentally," Dash explained as the group moved in and peered around in the darkness.

TAILS: They were especially interested in the bones and clothing remains of the previous exploring party.

SONIC: Then all of a sudden poisoned darts shot out of the walls! They ducked back, only to find the spike-studded ceiling was closing in! As it skewered them alive, they saw the shish-ka-bobbed bodies of other idiots who had ventured onto the set of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

He picked up a stick from a
      pile by the wall, pulled a match from his pocket, struck it on the sole of his boot and lit his torch.

KNUCKLES: His shoe promptly began to burn brightly.

Wordlessly the others
      picked up a torch and lit it in his.

SONIC: I love the smell of Burning Dingo in the morning.

In the golden light, they could see the carvings on the cold walls.

TAILS: Hmm. Looks like they were all ripped off that book called Door in the Dragon's Throat.

SONIC: Same author, wrong book. You're thinking of Tombs of Anak.

KNUCKLES: Any chance we'd get to MST 'em?

SONIC: Are you kidding? They're GOOD books.

As Knuckles looked
      at them he got a strange look on his face ...

KNUCKLES: As his dreadlocks ignited at the ends.

they were almost exactly like the ones written all over on his island ...

SONIC: Somebody ought to sue the Jet Grind Radio people.

the
      ones he could read. He glanced at Myron. The black echidna was also gazing at the carvings, but without expression.

TAILS: They were so full of Deadly Expletives, he was trying not to laugh.

SONIC: Abominable: A bull that swallowed a bomb.

KNUCKLES: Noble. What you get after the bomb goes off.

TAILS: Wha?

      Dash, unaware of the two, said off-handedly,

SONIC: Another adverb!

KNUCKLES: "I lost the duel to Darth Vader," he said off-handedly.

"It was kinda weird, the way the entrance was covered. Almost as if a
      big flood hit."

TAILS: This guy just got attacked by Chaos and he doesn't realize the implications of what he just said??

SONIC: That's Dumb Stupicoot for you.

KNUCKLES: "Mr. Pid, Mr. Pid, your dill-pickle and ice cream pizza is ready. Mr. Stu Pid."

      The whole group jumped and looked at him with wide eyes,

SONIC: As opposed to squinty eyes or evil eyes or black eyes ...

but the golden dingo was walking away down the hall.

TAILS: All his fur was on fire by now.

      "Sonic," Tails murmured, slipping his hand into his friend's.

KNUCKLES: Aww, wook at da widdle Tails!

TAILS: Shaddup! *He punches Knuckles*

Sonic took it without speaking, but he gripped the fox's
      hand tightly

KNUCKLES: Aw, wook at da widdle baby Sonic!

SONIC: Shaddup! *He punches Knuckles*

as they started after their rather empty-headed guide.

SONIC: You can say that again. He was either born without a brain or it fell out of his ear one day.

Slasher brought up the rear, sniffing the cool air
      curiously and glancing all around, her claws clicking on the floor.

TAILS: Like how the raptors tapped their toe claws in anticipation of ripping out Tim and Lex's guts.

SONIC: They didn't, did they?

KNUCKLES: Of course not, but you know Slasher wanted it to happen.

      Knux kept his eyes on the walls and his torch held high, chewing unconsciously on his

SONIC: Toenails.

TAILS: Hair.

KNUCKLES: Elbow.

TAILS: You can't chew on your elbow!

lower lip. Myron watched him
      out of the corner of his eye,

TAILS: He had square eyes, so this was pretty easy.

but said nothing. Finally Knuckles muttered, "I don't know ...

SONIC: I'd like to call a friend.

I don't know ..."

KNUCKLES: Said his friend.

TAILS: Rats, HE ain't a millionaire tonight.

"Don't
      know what?" Myron asked.

KNUCKLES: [as himself] The answer to the question! How often do we elect a President?

TAILS: [as Myron] Duh, every three years?

SONIC: I think you've switched game shows now.

      "Don't know what to do," Knuckles replied softly.

KNUCKLES: Adverb!

TAILS: "I sleep in a featherbed," he said softly.

"These inscriptions are all about the people who used to live here,
      and they all used the ancient echidna language.

SONIC: Well duh, they were Ancient Echidnas!

TAILS: What else should they speak, Pig Latin?

'Chaos' is repeated over and over ...

KNUCKLES: It was actually a transcript of the Freaky Hooded Creature's chant.

they had trouble with him ...

SONIC: Him and Murray the Skull kept blowing people up.

      maybe unearthed him, who knows.

TAILS: [as Chaos] I LIIIIIIVVEE!!

He wiped 'em out.

SONIC: The Cosmic Eraser is a very powerful tool.

KNUCKLES: Almost as powerful as the Comic eraser.

TAILS: What's that do?

KNUCKLES: You erase letters to make different words.

And I don't know what to do ... do I kill him and trash the
      island, or let him live and destroy the Great Forest?"

KNUCKLES: Here is that same sentence after being hit by the Comic Eraser.

And I know what to do ... I  trash the
      island and destroy the Great Forest!"

*Sonic, Tails and Knuckles fall out of the chairs laughing*

      Myron said nothing for a moment, eyes on the floor.

SONIC: He had laughed so hard they popped out.

Then he said, "Whatever you do, mate, affects my time. I'll end up
      going home to maybe no home if this keeps up."

KNUCKLES: Especially once the IRS gets word he hasn't paid any taxes in fifty years.

      Sonic, walking just ahead of them, released Tails's hand and moved back to walk with the echidnas.

TAILS: Lookit me! I'm walking like an echidna! *he begins to flap his arms and cackle like a chicken*

KNUCKLES: You're asking for it, kid.

"I know about
      time travel," he told Myron matter-of-factly.

TAILS: Adverb!

SONIC: "As a matter of fact, the criminal left several clues," he said matter-of-factly.

"I've been all over Mobius's history, past and future. I've changed the
      future once already. You'll survive, and maybe things will be better. I think they will be, when I get to my future ..." He
      paused and looked thoughtful for a moment.

KNUCKLES: Ack! Shameless plug alert! Shameless plug alert! NetRaptor's inserting her fanfiction teasers again!

SONIC: Why? What happens in my future?

TAILS: I read that one. Trust me Sonic, you don't want to know. You're married to SALLY!

SONIC: Oh! No! It's too horrible to contemplate!

"Anyway, Knux, I think I have an idea for how you can get rid of Chaos
      and save the island--"

TAILS: What was his idea?

KNUCKLES: NetRaptor didn't work that out, thinking the other authors would.

SONIC: Don't we start getting some real good plotholes pretty soon? I heard the cave was pretty bad.

KNUCKLES: Yeah, new characters and dimension rifts left and right.

      "Hey everybody," interrupted Dash from up ahead. "Here's the chamber with the emerald!"

TAILS: [as Dash] Break out the pickaxes, guys! We're gonna tear this sucker to smithereens!

SONIC: A cloud of dust enveloped the cave as everyone tore into the emerald. But when it settled, there was the Master Emerald, totally unharmed!

KNUCKLES: This calls for the Ultimate in ... MONKEY COMBAT!!

SONIC: Ooo ack chee!

KNUCKLES: Chee chee chee! Gimpy Gibbon defeats Drunken Monkey!

TAILS: You guys are weird.

SONIC: We haven't even gotten started. Draw, you mangy cur!

[In a second the ice cream scoops are whizzing thick and fast. Sonic and Knuckles swing from the light fixure and climb the theater curtains, making monkey sounds and throwing ice cream. Tails, disgusted, gets up and walks out of the theater.]

*Commercials*