[Opening theme]

[SOS]

1...2...3...4...5...6...

[Knuckles and Tails are reclining in overstuffed armchairs. Sonic is nowhere to be seen.]

TAILS: When do you think they'll let us go home?

KNUCKLES: Sometime this month, I hope.

[Suddenly Sonic, wearing a blue sheet over his head and carrying a squirt gun, runs in and attacks Tails]

SONIC [roaring] "I am CHAOS! No one can survive me!" [He squirts Tails in the face. Tails leaps out of the chair and runs away, shrieking, hands over his head. Sonic and Tails vanish from the room.]

[Knux sits there by himself for a moment, and is startled as the viewscreen blinks on.]

ROBOTNIK: Well well, how are my paitients doing?

KNUCKLES: Oh, we're all well and dandy. Can we go home now?

ROBOTNIK: Never! I am far from finished with you! Now, do you have an invention to show me today?

[Knuckles hesitates and looks wildly around the room] Uh, hold on a minute. I have to go get it. [He runs from the room. A few seconds later he's back, Sonic and Tails in tow. Sonic is now wearing the blue sheet around his head like a turban.]

KNUCKLES: I have in my hands a Dork Detector. [He holds up Sonic's squirt gun.] It senses any dork in the room and--here, let me demonstrate. [He waves the gun over Tails's head, then points it in his face. No water comes out.] See, this person is obviously not a dork. [Knuckles moves over to Sonic, who is wearing the turban and looking rather stupid. Knux waves the gun over Sonic's head, then points it in his face. The gun sprays Sonic right in the face.] THIS person is a dork. The Dork Detector works perfectly. It's great, for instance, for deciding whether or not to hire someone to mow your lawn. [Knuckles bows]

ROBOTNIK: [glares] My invention is far superior to yours! Get a load of this! [He turns his head and shouts into the background, "Snively, the remote!"]

SNIVELY: Here you are sir. [He hands Robotnik a small black box that bears a large resemblence to a calculator. Robotnik hands it back to him.]

ROBOTNIK: [whispering] You are going to demonstrate it, Snively.

SNIVELY: M-me? Why-why can't Mecha do it?

ROBOTNIK: Because robots cost money.

[Trembling, Snively steps in front of the monitor.] I have here ... in my hand ... um, a device that ... [He looks over his shoulder at Robotnik, who glares threateningly at him.] ...a device that ... makes things disappear. Like an object on a TV screen disappears when you turn it off. [He looks at Robotnik again. Then he whirls around, points the remote at him and clicks. Robotnik shrinks into a digital line and disappears.]

SNIVELY: Whoops, I didn't mean to do that. [He smiles in such a way as to discredit what he just said.] Now, you miserable creatures, I will send you the next part of that rotten fanfic before my uncle figures out how to unlock the computer vault from the inside.

[SOS]

[Fic sign flashes]

ALL: We got FIC SIGN!!

6...5...4...3...2...1...

[All enter theater]

SONIC: What the highway on a map is NOT.

TAILS: Why in the world do they have those lines, anyway?

Knuckles was left alone in the room after

SONIC: Squirting me in the face. I'm gonna get you for that after the show.

Princess Sally, Tails, and of course Sonic left,

TAILS: Sonic was waiting in ambush for Knux to come out alone.

and he was beginning to feel a

KNUCKLES: Need to rot his brains in front of the TV for a whole Saturday.

      bit restless. He never much liked being in a city anyway

SONIC: Since when is Knothole Village a city? I thought it was a measly town!

TAILS: I know-- Knux is such a recluse, a little town LOOKS like a city to him!

KNUCKLES: Thanks a lot.

(well, not a living city!);

SONIC: Yeah, a dead one.

TAILS: If you turn your head, that thingy on the end looks like a winking sad smiley.

KNUCKLES: A sad smiley?

the walls of the buildings of Knothole
      Village,

KNUCKLES: Were covered with graphitii they practiced before runs to disfigure Robotropolis.

made as they were to blend in with the forest around it, still made him nervous. So he went walking outside for
      a breath of fresh air.

SONIC: Where I mugged him and soaked him at the stake.

      "Hey, Knuckles." called a feminine voice behind him.

TAILS: Ewww, MUSH! They didn't say this fic had any of THAT in it!

He turned about to see Sonic's older sister, Electra. (my own
      character)

SONIC: She's MY character.

KNUCKLES: No, she's MY character.

TAILS: No, she's my OWN character.

The tall, slender yellow hedgehog

TAILS: She's blonde.

was leaning over something on the ground and staring at it intently.

SONIC: [Electra] Gross, look at this! The jeep ran over a frog and it dried!

      "Look at this." she told him, beckoning him over.

TAILS: Now, bend way, way over, so I can kick you in the posterior.

She was looking at a small puddle of

SONIC: Ewww!

shimmery water.

SONIC: Oh.

"This LOOKS like water, but it's something else, and I can prove it--watch."

KNUCKLES: [as Electra] It's actually a rock.

She gave it a mild electrical shock

TAILS: With her cattle prod.

--the ability she got her name from

SONIC: Yeah, and her sister's name is 'Icity'.

and--it...moved. Pulled aside, as if it was alive, and was trying to avoid her touch.

KNUCKLES: Oh, leave the poor slug alone.

TAILS: Wonderful grammar, too.

      It should have produced a short and zapped her backwards onto her butt,

SONIC: And she would have deserved it, too. C'mon, lets see Miss Electrician get her hands blown off!

but it didn't. The "water" did not react the
      way water was supposed to react to electricity.

KNUCKLES: And how would this author KNOW how water reacts to electricity? Has she ever done it?

TAILS: Maybe she studied it in school or something.

SONIC: Gimme a break. 'Electricity' is a self-insert. She's not gonna get HURT, of all things.

      "Weird..." pondered Knuckles.

KNUCKLES: [as self] "I wonder ... How many blonde hedgehogs does it take to figure out a plot twist?"

"Isn't that another patch of the stuff over there?" he pointed, his sharp eyes picking it
      up.

KNUCKLES: Cool, I have sharp eyesight now!

      "Why, you're right." she exclaimed, walking over to it. "And that's another...and another...You think maybe this has
      something to do with where Sonic went?"

SONIC: And further this meaningless plot? Surely not! Somebody left the sprinklers on.

      "Or maybe it's just a trap." he answered darkly.
      "Or maybe both."
      They looked at each other for a moment in silence.

KNUCKLES: And then kissed.

TAILS: Oh, gross! [He pretends to throw up on the floor]

      "Let me get my backpack and I'll come with ya," said Electra.

SONIC: Gimme the Dork Detector. I'll bet both of 'em get squirted.

[Tails hands it to him. Sonic draws a bead on the screen and squeezes the trigger.]

SONIC: Yep. They're both dorks.

      A few hours later...

TAILS: ... everybody was sitting around a picnic table with Chaos, eating hamburgers and fries.

      Myron was angry. Very very angry.

KNUCKLES: Okay, we get the point. How about instead of 'very angry', which is a couple of 10 cent words, use a couple $1.00 words? Like "furious" or 'raging' or 'fuming' or 'seething' or ...

SONIC: Because it would be too expensive.

The Governess had no right to treat him like this,

SONIC: Said a member of UPS after the strike.

no right at all! He was a member

TAILS: Of AOL, for crying out loud!

      of the old Royal Family, after all (note to Xeroxus and Shax--if ya don't like this, ya don't have ta use it.)

KNUCKLES: Hello Mr. Wilson.

SONIC: What kind of name is 'Shax'? It sounds like, "The village was composed of many shax."

TAILS: "The explosives were kept in two shax for safety."

KNUCKLES: Okay, you two.

and SHE was
      just a common rebel usurper.

SONIC: Sure, everyone knows that all common rebel usurpers always rise to positions of total power.

Sure, the echidnas had had a democratically elected government for centuries now, but
      old grudges die hard, and Myron's love of the "good old days" of the royalty had been passed down to him from
      several generations before.

KNUCKLES: Echidnas live a long time.

At any rate, he did NOT like having to do what that snotty little female said.

TAILS: He especially hated having to pick up her dirty socks.

      He especially did not like the job he had to do now--he was forced to track down that weird...thing...that had that
      hedgehog, and SOMEHOW get the hedgehog free, even though the thing just ate his bullets. And now his two helpers
      were nowhere to be found. Figures.
      Myron gasped in astonishment as he saw an amazing sight up ahead. There were lights flashing and something largish
      flying through the air. He crested the rise of the hill and squinted in the almost-blackness--it was nighttime by now, and
      was amazed at what he saw.

SONIC: Okay, so, I take it he's not in the Governess's office anymore?

TAILS: I guess not. Either that or she turned off the lights and is launching fireworks indoors.

KNUCKLES: That's how everybody knew she was insane.

      The monster was there, all right. But two other people had gotten to it first.

SONIC: [As Myron] Get out of the pool, blokes!

One of them was another annoying

TAILS: Mosquito.

      hedgehog, looking somewhat like

KNUCKLES: A lobster.

the first only

SONIC: Barf-green.

yellow and more

TAILS: Fat.

shapely. She was surrounded by

KNUCKLES: A crowd of cannibals.

a flickering Lightning
      Shield,

TAILS: Hey, I know what that is! It's from Sonic 3, and Sonic can do the double-jump with it!

SONIC and KNUCKLES: [together] FAANN-BOOOYY!

and somehow zapping the creature with electricity--and the creature did NOT seem to like that. A-ha, thought
      Myron, it has a weakness...

KNUCKLES: And no quotes, either.

But she was holding back, afraid of electrocuting the blue hedgehog who was still trapped
      inside the Thing.

SONIC: Nice of her to think of that now that I'm dead.

TAILS: I thought Sonic got rescued in an earlier scene!

KNUCKLES: You're right, he WAS! Plot-hole alert! Plot-hole alert! Whoop! Whoop!

      and the other was....it was...
      Myron rubbed his eyes in amazement.

TAILS: It was Van Pelt from Jumanji! Chaos had rolled the dice!

It LOOKED like another echidna! But that couldn't be! Not unless he was...

SONIC: Drunk and halucinating. He KNEW that coffee had been spiked ...

      Myron gasped. The

TAILS: PLUNGER!

SONIC: CD-ROM!

KNUCKLES: ICE CREAM SCOOP!

GUARDIAN! No-one else had the ability to glide!

SONIC: Except, of course, those lunatics who own hangliders.

He gasped again in amazement

TAILS: And passed out from hyperventilation.

--and
      recognition. If the Guardian was attempting to rescue this hedgehog, then he COULDN'T turn him over to the
      Governess, he COULDN'T! It would be a violation of every ancient value he had grown up with to go against a
      Guardian's will.

KNUCKLES: Hey, cool. I'm da man! Sonic, it's against the law for you to go against my will!

SONIC: Oh yeah? You and what army?

KNUCKLES: Meet my four friends. Two live on either of my hands. They enjoy slamming into hard objects at high speeds. [He shows Sonic his knuckles]

SONIC: After the movie. I'm going to get you for squirting me in the face, too.

KNUCKLES: You got it. Meet me at the flagpole.

[They shake hands and resume watching the movie]

      But then again...he seemed to be the only other echidna left in this time period...who would KNOW if Myron just
      killed him? Besides, the Governess would punish him horribly if he let the hedgehog escape...
      Myron made his decision--he would PRETEND to help the other two rescue the hedgehog, then the instant the
      monster was defeated, he would betray them and take the hedgehog back to the Governess, instead. Smiling, he
      moved towards them with a friendly greeting on his lips...

TAILS: Dirty rat. We all know he doesn't, anyway, because this stupid story was never finished at all!

Just then, the creature struck Electra as hard as it could,

SONIC: Breaking her back. Being blonde, she got up and walked fifty miles to a hospital to complain of a bruise on her shin.

one of its tentacles taking on the shape of a wooden mallet.

TAILS: Obviously it had already eaten Amy.

      She was

SONIC: Decapitated.

knocked backwards, her Lightning Shield

TAILS: Turning to a bubble shield, which she should have had in the first place.

broken and her powers

KNUCKLES: Taken away for the rest of the fic.

temporarily drained to nothing. There was a

SONIC: [as Marvin the Martian] earth-shattering kaboom.

brilliant flash of light as it hit her, and Knuckles (and Myron, who was still hidden behind a tree) gasped at what the
      light revealed.

TAILS: Chaos was actually ELVIS!!

      The blue shape inside the creature was just a lump of darker, thicker water-stuff.
      SONIC WAS ALREADY GONE!
      He and Electra looked at each other as if to say, "NOW what?"

SONIC: Who and Electra? Myron? Knux? Chaos?

TAILS: No, Elvis.

KNUCKLES: It was a passing flicky.

TAILS: No, Elvis.

KNUCKLES: A diagram of a tesseract.

      The Governess shifted restlessly in her chair, feeling very irritated.

KNUCKLES: An adverb and another 'very'. I don't know how much more I can take.

TAILS: No, Elvis.

That moron Myron

SONIC: [chanting] Moron Myron, moron Myron, moron Myron ...

TAILS: No, Elvis.

KNUCKLES: You could chant that to the tune of the 'Twilight Zone'.

TAILS: No, Elvis.

SONIC: Tails, are you all right?

TAILS: [as Elvis] Thank you, thank you very much.

STILL hadn't found that
      annoying little blue hedgehog. And his lack of reports was starting to worry her a bit.

SONIC: He's been in the time stream five minutes. She must have the attention span of a two-year old.

TAILS: What?

      Very well, then. She still had ONE more trick up her sleeve.
      "Jeeves!" she called to her butler, who, startled, dropped the tray he was carrying. (Incompetent!) thought the
      Governess.

KNUCKLES: Amazing. Instead of quotes, we have parenthesis.

SONIC: I don't think you spelled that right.

"I want you to tell the scientists to put every last bit of juice we have into the Dimensional Gate.

TAILS: Apple juice, orange juice, grape juice, grapefruit juice ... even the cranberry juice!

I want a
      gateway to Dark Mobius,

SONIC: Mobius at night, obviously.

and I want it now. And I expect Thorn

TAILS: Who is 'Thorn'?

KNUCKLES: Another self-insert.

SONIC: You're right, this IS a lesson on self insertation.

to be waiting to come through that gate the instant it
      opens. Can you remember all of that?"

TAILS: [as Jeeves from Jeeves and Wooster] Very good, madam.

      The nervous little brown echidna shook in his over-embroidered livery. "Yes, your-your excellency..." he trembled.
      "But won't that take all the energy away from the time-travel device--leave Myron stranded back in time?"
      The Governess's voice went even colder than usual. "Myron had his chance. If he wants to see this city again, he'll have
      to find his OWN way back.

KNUCKLES: The Burger King will be cold, but oh well.

Now get me Thorn, and get her NOW!"

TAILS: Sure, I'll go get the rosebush right now.

TAILS: A heart meter during a heart attack.

SONIC: That's rather morbid.

      Thorn sat back on a

KNUCKLES: Skull of a T-rex she had killed.

burned tree-stump, idly cleaning her long, sharp claws with the point of her silver dagger.

SONIC: She forgot to wash her hands after her last 'job'.

It had
      been a while since she'd had a really tough job.

TAILS: None of the Mobians around here believed in carrying defensive weapons.

The Governess was usually a good employer, though, and she paid
      well. The young hedgehog flipped her sharp pink spines out of her lavender eyes,

SONIC: Amy has GREEN eyes, moron.

TAILS: [chanting to the theme of the 'Twilight Zone'] Moron Myron, moron Myron, moron Myron ...

stood up and stretched, reflecting.

KNUCKLES: She was actually a hedgehog-shaped mirror.

      The life of a commoner in Dark Mobius was a tough one.

SONIC: It was always hard to see in the dark.

Even though she was still technically a child, Thorn dressed,
      swore, smoked and drank as if she was a burned-out adult--

SONIC: Ooo, not a good role model. Don't watch, Tails.

which she was, in a way. She had been forced to grow up
      fast.

KNUCKLES: She drank Miracle-Gro.

Living on the streets, taking what she could by sneaking, taking it by force when she couldn't sneak.

[Sonic and Tails begin singing the Street Rat song from Aladdin]

      That had changed when she was taken in by the Psi Corps (yes, I'm stealing this from Babylon 5, deal with it).

KNUCKLES: Trekkie Alert! Trekkie Alert! Head for the hills! Grab your water pistols! The Trekkies are coming! Warn your neighbors and your friends and even a few distant acquaintences! The Trekkies are coming!!

They
      had trained her almost-useless ability to read Tarot Cards into a strong, dangerous weapon--she could now quite
      literally rip a person's mind apart from the inside.

TAILS: Look, it's Psycho Chick.

She smiled at the thought. If the Governess, from the future of Bright
      Mobius, wanted this hedgehog to suffer--oh, Thorn could make him suffer, all right.
      After all, at the age of only 10, Amy "Thorn" Rose Hedgehog was the most sadistic of Her Majesty Sally's personal
      assassins...

SONIC: I always knew Amy was evil. Now I have proof.

KNUCKLES: What the earthquake meters in California never look like.

While all this was going on, Dash Dingo

SONIC: [screams] It's Crash Bandicoot again! I thought we got RID of him!!!

had awakened from his drugged sleep.

SONIC: SEE? HE DOES DRUGS!

He felt much better, aside from a achy
      feeling all over from his terror-driven flight through the forest.

SONIC: [muttering] Bet he snorts dope and ...

At the memory of his run

TAILS: He crawled back in bed and was never seen in this fic again.

a bit of the adrinaline-fear crept
      back into his heart. He was not safe here. No one was safe where he was.

SONIC: You got that right!

      He crept to

KNUCKLES: A nearby rock and slithered under.

the door of the hut and looked out. Knothole was quiet and seemed almost vacant. Of course--

SONIC: All the real estate had been bought by Kyle Carter. You know, that guy who builds houses ...?

everyone
      would be hiding from

TAILS: Him.

Chaos. Chaos.

SONIC: You just said that.

Somehow the name was stuck in his mind, associated with the monster.

KNUCKLES: There was only one other thing stuck in his mind--a sign that said 'for rent'.

Had he
      read something?

TAILS: Yeah, the book section of Reader's Digest.

He dimly remembered reading some inscriptions somewhere that spoke of a monster named Chaos ...

SONIC: Unfortunately, he had been mind-wiped, and didn't remember what it said.

      He stepped outside and began walking.

KNUCKLES: And he kept right on walking until he fell off the edge of the world. Mobius is flat, you know.

SONIC: No it isn't!

KNUCKLES: Yes it is.

SONIC: No it isn't!

KNUCKLES: Yes it is.

SONIC: No!

KNUCKLES: Yes.

SONIC: No.

KNUCKLES: Yes.

SONIC: No.

KNUCKLES: No.

SONIC: Yes. Huh? What?

TAILS: A very boring arcade game.

      Myron set his teeth.

KNUCKLES: Then winced--he had forgotten about his braces.

If Sonic was gone, then he had no reason to continue assaulting this bizarrely invincible monster.

SONIC: I thought he was going to go make fake friends with Electrcity and company!

TAILS: It's another plot hole. Be sure not to fall in.

      And he had no reason to even speak to any of the Mobians about him, either.

KNUCKLES: Sure. None of them owed him money.

      He backed into the forest,

SONIC: I thought they were IN the forest.

crouched behind some brush

TAILS: Ever notice there's always brush handy when you need it?

and spoke into his communicator. "Governess, the hedgehog is
      gone." He waited for a response, but there was none. "Governess?" Again no reply.

KNUCKLES: Of course. The warrenty ran out on his cell phone.

He checked the power switch and
      the frequency modulator--both were on and functioning. Suddenly a horrible thought struck him.

TAILS: He had left his car lights on!

Had the time-portal
      closed? He stood and ran into

SONIC: A brick wall.

the woods in the direction of the portal. He could see no light. Not a good sign.

TAILS: His battery must be dead.

He
      nearly ran through the clearing where the portal had been before he realized where he was. Panting, he gasped and
      hissed, "No!"

KNUCKLES: Actually, it's impossible to hiss unless you say the 'S' sound.

      He was stranded in the past, and he had no way of contacting his time or journeying back.

TAILS: And wouldn't you know it, he had locked his keys in the car, too.

Why had they closed the
      portal? Didn't they know he was still here? Something told him that She probably did and had closed it anyway.

SONIC: The son of a--

[Knuckles claps his hand over Sonic's mouth]

      "Hey ..."

      Myron whipped around, automatically lifting his stun-gun to his shoulder.

KNUCKLES: A stun gun that fires bullets.

It was Sonic, a fox with two tails

TAILS: Oh, that's amusing. Sonic is a fox with two tails!

and a black
      bat with metal wings. Myron nearly squeezed the trigger, then remembered that he was trapped in this time and may
      very well have to deal with the consequences of his actions here.

SONIC: Of course, NOTHING he does here will affect the future ...

"What do you want?" he asked through his teeth.

KNUCKLES: Your brain.

      "Um ..." Sonic said uncertainly, "I thought you were Knux. Who are you? We don't have any echidnas but him around
      here."

      "The name's

TAILS: Moron.

Myron, and I'm from ... far away," said Myron.

SONIC: Alaska, to be precise.

      "Put the gun down, at least," Pip said. "We aren't gonna hurt you!"

KNUCKLES: I mean, we were only going to sell you piece by piece on eBay ...

      "Yeah," Tails agreed. "I always get nervous when I have guns aimed at my head."

TAILS: Like, duh. Like, fur shure. Like, totally!

      Myron slowly let the barrel down until it was hanging by the strap around his shoulders, but kept his hands on it, just in
      case.

SONIC: He doesn't relax very easily, does he?

      Suddenly there came a loud gasp from behind him, and Myron whirled about to find himself face to face with

SONIC: A giant tarantula!

a
      yellow-furred dingo. He immediately raised the gun, but the dingo didn't seem to notice.

TAILS: He knew that Muldoon wouldn't shoot him, anyway.

"Did you say your name was
      Myron?" he asked, nearly breathless.

SONIC: 'Myron' was such a big word for Dash, it took all his breath to say it.

      "Yes. What about it?"

      Dash dug into his pocket and pulled out

KNUCKLES: Lint, various marbles, a fish hook, a ball of twine, a love letter, a portable MP3 player ...

a worn notebook. He flipped it open and held it out. Myron looked at it, and
      as he did, Sonic, Tails and Pip came forward to see, too. It seemed to be a diagram of some kind with many strange
      characters written on it.

TAILS: Augumon, the Human Torch, Spiderman, Robin Williams, Smaug, Mandarin, Captian Planet, Frodo ...

      "I traced that out of an engraving on my dig," Dash said. "Look right here, at these runes. What do they spell?"

SONIC: C-A-T. Hmm. What do they mean?

      In fancy, flowery writing, were the letters M-Y-R-O-N, and beside it the Old Mobian word for King.

SONIC: Moron--KING? [He slides out of the chair, laughing hystarically.]

TAILS: He's finally cracked.

[Knuckles reaches down to pull Sonic up, but is tackled and dragged down on the floor. Sonic is growling, "I'm gonna get you for spraying me in the face--" Grunts and growls and 'punch' sounds are heard. Tails shakes his head and walks out. A moment later he returns with the water pistol. He crouches behind the seats and gobbles like a turkey. Sonic and Knuckles both stick their heads up for a look around, and get hit in the face with a stream of water.]

TAILS: You're both dorks. [He blows pretend smoke from the barrel, then holsters it in a pretend holster.]

[They exit the theater]

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