(Sonic: Hey! Doomsday AGAIN?! This ain't 1994!)
(Shot of Robotnik and Snively on the bridge of the Egg Carrier, watching Sonic on a monitor and laughing their heads off.)

"We'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst we can find,
(la la la)
He'll have to sit and read them all
While we monitor his mind!
(la la la!)
Now keep in mind Sonic can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end
(la la la)
Because he broke those special parts,
Foolin' round with his furry friends!

MASCOT ROLL CALL!

CAMBOT! (Check out these blue filters!)

AMY: (Huh? What'd you say?)

KNUCKLES (Rougher than the rest of 'em!)

TAAAAAIIILLLLS! (How original, Knux!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other science facts,
(la la la)
Repeat to yourself, 'it's just a game,
I should really just relax'
For Mystery Sonic Theater, 3200...."

(BWANG! guitar twang)

1...2...3...4...5...6...

[Sonic and Tails are sitting at a large desk, appearing to be doing a stack of paperwork. When we move closer, however, we see that they are engaged in something a little less demanding.]

SONIC: X. Your turn.

TAILS: Rats. [He thinks a moment.] Right here.

SONIC: Three in a row! I win!

TAILS: Darn it! [He grabs another sheet of paper and draws another tic tac toe square]

[Suddenly the door opens and Knuckles walks in, a stack of paper under one arm. He throws it on the table.]

KNUCKLES: Here's our entertainment for the night, guys.

[Sonic and Tails groan]

SONIC: What is it tonight? Please tell me it isn't another of those physics problems Robotnik likes!

KNUCKLES: It's worse than that.

[Fic sign flashes]

TAILS: Oh great. I think I'm going to barf.

[He jumps up and runs for the door, but Knuckles catches him by the scruff of the neck]

KNUCKLES: Not so fast. To the theater with you.

[Knuckles leaves, a struggling Tails in tow]

SONIC: It looks like another of those nights ...

SONIC: Yeah, like war, rock concerts and presidential elections.

This rather long fic was written on

TAILS: The wall in red spraypaint.

NetRaptor's messageboard by six

SONIC: headed mutants.

authors. We had fun doing it. Unfortunately, we hit

SONIC: A deer that stopped in the middle of the road.

KNUCKLES: That's why they had fun doing it.

a snag toward the end, forcing us to cut it off in a big 'part 1'. However, a second part will probably be written sometime in the future.

[All groan]

Thank you for reading our big conglomerate.

TAILS: What's a con--conglo--

SONIC: Conglomerate. I think it's a sort of fruit, like a pomegranate.

TAILS: Oh. How do you read a fruit?

SONIC: Beats me.

KNUCKLES: Sonic, you're not the sharpest hedgehog on Mobius.

SONIC: Really? Who is?

KNUCKLES: I give up ....

SONIC: Their house keys, car keys, safe keys ... and all their internet passwords!

[All pretend to scream in horror]

TAILS: What kind of a name is 'NetRaptor'? It sounds like some sort of stalker name.

SONIC: There's another raptor. What is this, a Jurassic Park refugee convention?

KNUCKLES: Hey, a company that makes office equipment! Xerox-R-Us!

KNUCKLES: Well, now that you mention it ...

[Sonic and Tails stare at him]

KNUCKLES: Kidding.

TAILS: Huh, a bat! That's a new one. At least it isn't a clone of me.

SONIC: Isn't a vector one of those things a jet uses as directions? You know, like an approch vector?

KNUCKLES: Yeah, but it's also one of the Chaotix. This whole story is a lesson in self-insertation, I've heard.

TAILS: OK, I'm outta here. [He jumps up, but Sonic and Knuckles grab him and pull him back down into his seat]

KNUCKLES: *squints* I think its a line segment.

He nearly tripped over,
TAILS: His tongue.
he was running so hard that he wasn't watching where he was going. His heart pounded... his lungs screamed for air..
SONIC: Knux, have you ever heard anybody's lungs scream?

KNUCKLES: No, but I've heard them scream at the top of their lungs.

he wished that he was fitter than he was..
TAILS: His underwear was too small.

he had been running for hours, maybe days.. but he couldn't stop, he knew that if he stopped, he would die.
KNUCKLES: Like a shark, obviously. If they stop swimming, they die.

IT would get him. He knew it could be hiding in any of the shadows around him.
TAILS: So is it supposed to be nighttime?

KNUCKLES: No, that's only a clever phrase authors use to increase dramtic tension.

TAILS AND SONIC: Oh.

He turned the corner, burst through the trees.. and tumbled over in a heap. It was no use.. he couldn't get away.. he was foolish to think that it was possible to save his life.....

SONIC: No, he couldn't get away from the smoking hole in his back.

"Wake up, you're safe now." came a voice.
SONIC [the voice] "Ready lads--fire!"

Moaning, the stranger opened his eyes. "Who are you?" he asked. Knuckles smiled. "My name is Knuckles."
KNUCKLES: Hey look, it's me!

he replied. "I found you in the forest.. you'd blacked out from exhaustion!"
SONIC: Stating the obvious, as usual.

KNUCKLES: Hey!

The stranger jumped out of the bed.
TAILS: Wait, wasn't the last time we saw him, he was running through the woods?

SONIC: I think we missed a scene change somewhere.

He was an orange dingo, wearing tattered muddy clothes.
SONIC: CRASH BANDICOOT! [lunges at the screen in rage, but is dragged back by Tails and Knuckles]

"WHERE DID YOU BRING ME?" he demanded. Knuckles stumbled back.
KNUCKLES: From the force of his demand.

SONIC: Let me out of this straitjacket, I mean it!

TAILS: Don't make me use the duct tape on you.

SONIC: Let me go! They can't have Banidcoot in a fanfic! It's illegal! It's cruel and unusual punishment! [struggles]

"You're in a village.. called Knothole.. The Freedom Fighters are looking after you.." "NO!" screamed the dingo. "DON'T YOU SEE? YOU'VE SIGNED YOUR OWN DEATH WARRANT!!"
TAILS: [the dingo] "I'M GONNA BLOW YOU ALL TO HECK WITH THIS 'ERE MACHINE GUN!

Sonic opened the door and entered. "What's the new guy yelling about?" he asked. Knux shrugged.
SONIC: [Knuckles] "I don't know. He's psycho. I'm just standing here, contributing nothing to the plot.

"IT SAW YOU!" shouted the dingo. "It followed me here! Now it knows where you are!" Knuckles tried to calm him down.
TAILS: By grabbing him in a headlock.

"What's your name?" he asked. "My name is not important." replied the dingo. "What's important is that you're going to have to evacuate your village."
KNUCKLES: [the dingo] "I care not that I am terrified and in poor physical condition from running from it. I only care for your saftey.

"Why?" asked Sonic.
SONIC: Yeah, why would you care, Crash?

"The beast was following me." replied the stranger. "It followed me, and it must have seen you bring me here." He got out of the bed, and put his face right up to Knuckles' face.
TAILS: [the dingo] You have a giant zit on your forehead.

"Listen to me." he ordered. "If you don't leave.. NOW.. it will start all over again. What happened to my city.. it will happen again. You will all start disappearing, one by one.. the beast will get you. It wants live victims.. please.."
SONIC: What does this sound like?

TAILS: Some B-class monster movie.

KNUCKLES: Like Placid Lake.

SONIC: Godzilla!

TAILS: Jaws!

The dingo's face looked absolutely petrified and deadly serious.
SONIC: He's dead, right? DEADly serious and petrified, like rock?

KNUCKLES: *sigh* If only it were true ...

TAILS: Alien!

"I'll put out a warning.."
SONIC: On my website.

offered Sonic. "NO!" shouted the dingo. "You don't get it.. NOTHING you can do will stop it! You leave, or you die."
Sally, catching the stranger's last statement, walked up. "What's all this? Why are we all going to die?"
TAILS: [the dingo] I'm going to make you all play my games for hours at gunpoint! Bwaha ha ha ha!!

The dingo stared at her. "Are you ... are you ... Princess Sally?"
She nodded. "Yes."
TAILS: Who IS this Sally person, anyway?

SONIC: Oh, in the Archie comics, she's supposed to be my girlfriend or something.

"And you live here?"
Another nod.
"Then we have to evacuate."
KNUCKLES: [the dingo] We'll all leave and you can stay here.

Suddenly, from off in the woods, came a strange sound. A low, snarly growl that crescendoed to a hiss, then died away.
SONIC: grrrRRRRRISSSSssss ... I'd say it's a giant snake.

The whole group jumped. The dingo screamed, "SEE? IT KNOWS WHERE WE ARE!!"
"What IS it?" Sonic wanted to know. The dingo only shook his head and wouldn't answer.
Sonic, being his headstrong self, said, "I'll be right back, guys," and headed in the direction of the sound ...
KNUCKLES: Thereby furthering the plot.

Meanwhile, as Sonic went zipping off, Princess Sally had Bunnie (who is a nurse, yes? I remember reading that somewhere) sneak up behind the dingo with a hypospray and give him a sedative.
SONIC: But she gave him too much and he died three hours later, the end, let's go home now.

Finally, he was calm enough to talk to them in complete sentences.
"Okay," said Sally. "Let's start from the top. WHAT is chasing you, why, and who are you?"
KNUCKLES: We want your birthplace, date of birth, social security number, driver's licence, proof of insurance, dental records, pulse, blood type and heart rate before we can go any further in this fic.

The dingo gulped and tossed his floppy orange bangs out of his eyes. "My name is Dash Dingo
SONIC: CRASH BANDICOOT! DON'T DENY IT!!!!

and I come from DownUnda (there was something about that in the comic books, wasn't there? A Tails miniseries I believe?)
TAILS: Did Dash say that, or the author?

KNUCKLES: The author. Hello Mr. Wilson.

SONIC: Huh?

KNUCKLES: Oh c'mon, haven't you ever seen Harvey?

SONIC: What?

KNUCKLES: Never mind ...

. I--I'm an archaeologist, you see. I was digging around in this ancient temple left behind by some kind of unknown civilization--" (at this, Knuckles' ears would have pricked up had they been able to) "and well...I guess I must have disturbed their gods or something, because now IT'S after me!"
SONIC: Yeah, no curse is too bad for you, Crash ... I hope it eats you slowly, one bite at a time, while you watch.

"A GOD?!" said Sally skeptically, looking sideways at Bunnie and Knuckles. "Can you be a little more specific, Dash?"
"Well..." he cleared his throat again, still nervous despite the sedative, "I had reached this really secret, hidden chamber, full of treasure. But I wasn't going to STEAL any of it, honest! I just wanted to study it and find out who the people were who left it behind, that's all! I'm a scientist, not a grave robber!
ALL: Uh-huh, yeah, right, sure.

But...something...in there seemed to take offense to my poking around because even AFTER all the traps had been safely sprung, I heard this voice...as if from beyond the grave...calling my name...and a HUGE shadow, just a piece of blackness that blotted out everything around it, came swooping towards me out of this gigantic green crystal! When it touched me, I felt as if I was being touched by death itself!"
SONIC: Cool. C'mon, discribe what it felt like!

"Gigantic green crystal?!" gasped Knuckles. Sally quickly shushed him, but she was thinking the same thing he was.
SONIC: Awww ...

TAILS: What are they, telepathic?

"Why is it after ME, Dash?" she prodded the nearly frantic dingo.
"I don't know," he whispered. "But something about how you have stolen
KNUCKLES: His laptop.

the legacy of its ancestors...that's all I know..." he fell asleep as the sedative finally kicked all the way in.
TAILS: One minute he's nearly frantic, and the next he's asleep?

SONIC: It's a cure for 3-year-old-itis.

The three animals held a worried conference in the opposite corner of the room so as not to wake him.
KNUCKLES: He's in a sedated sleep. I don't think you have to worry about it.

"Could it really be? A SECOND Master Emerald?!" wondered Knuckles, his eyes wide. "And an ancient civilization ... could it be...?"
"It sure sounds like it," whispered Sally. "But I don't think we should go poking around in that tomb. For one thing, it's halfway across the world from here,
SONIC: So Dash ran halfway across the world to get to Knothole?

we don't even know where it is, and look how much trouble HE" (she indicated the unconscious Dash Dingo) "got into!"
"Sounds lahk an open invitayshun to me, dea-ah." smiled Bunnie. (yes, I do know enough about the cartoon to know she's got a Southern accent and she's partly robotized.)
KNUCKLES: Yet another 'Hello Mr. Wilson' comment.

TAILS: What's that?

KNUCKLES: When the author stops speaking through the story and speaks directly to the reader. It's typical of round-robin stories.

[Tails gags]

"Ah thank we should ask Sonic when he gets bayack."
"IF he gets back..." muttered Sally under her breath. "What's keeping him so long, anyway?"
TAILS: Yeah. Sonic, are you okay?

[They are just in time to see Sonic slump sideways and slide out of his chair. Tails and Knuckles pull him back up. Sonic gasps and revives.]

SONIC: The plot exposition! I--I can't breathe! It's too thick, too quickly! Ahhhhh!!!

KNUCKLES: Quick, Tails, the novel!

[Tails hands Knuckles a 500-page book. Knuckles waves the pages under Sonic's nose. Sonic recovers.]

SONIC: Whew. That was the close one.

KNUCKLES: You have to be a little more creative than that, Sonic.

Meanwhile, Sonic was pacing through the forest, listening as hard as he was able.
TAILS: Which wasn't very hard, because he never went anywhere without his headphones.

KNUCKLES: Actually, I think that's Vector.

[Sonic pulls off headphones] Hmm? You guys say something?

A series of sounds were coming from up ahead ... a sort of slop, slop, like someone
SONIC: Slopping the hogs.

TAILS: Throwing water balloons.

KNUCKLES: Drinking oatmeal through a straw.

SONIC AND TAILS: Ewww!

walking in boots full of water. It was fleeing him at a leisurely pace, keeping just out of sight in the trees. It was about forty feet away. Sonic wasn't wild about charging full tilt at it, not knowing what it was.
KNUCKLES: The first sign of intelligent thought Sonic has ever displayed.

SONIC: Hey!

Suddenly there came that strange sound again,
TAILS: What strange sound?

SONIC: grrRRRRRRIISSSsss...

TAILS: Oh.

but on a much softer key. It gurgled, as well, as if the voice came from deep underwater. Sonic halted and listened. When he stopped, it stopped, as if waiting. Waiting? Why?
TAILS: Like duh, because it wanted to eat him!

Something wet touched Sonic's ankles.
KNUCKLES: It was his dog crewing up his socks.

He jumped and looked down. He was standing in a puddle of water, a puddle that hadn't been there a minute ago!
ALL: Ewwwwww!!!!

He tried to back out of it, but there was no dry ground within sight now. It was as if he were standing in a stream. But this water was not moving. It was like a swimming pool being filled for the first time, the water slowly rising.
SONIC: It's getting scary now, Tails. Better cover your eyes.

TAILS: I'm not scared. I'm not scared!

Spooked, Sonic turned and splashed hurriedly in the direction he had come. There was something odd about this water. On impulse he dipped a finger in and touched it to his tongue.
SONIC: Coca Cola!

Salty. Sea water. Where in the heck had sea water come from? They were miles and miles from the ocean!
TAILS: Brilliant, Einstien.

That growly sound again, but it came from nowhere this time.
SONIC: Man, I sure am hungry ...

Almost as if it came from the water itself ... Sonic, starting to get that gut feeling that something weird was about to happen, began to run.
KNUCKLES: See Sonic. See Sonic run. Run, Sonic, run.

KNUCKLES: Better.

"Where?"
TAILS: Who? When? Why? How?

"Wait a minute...wait a minute..ah, there he is."
SONIC: Now, watch as I turn him into a walking sieve.

"The hedgehog?"

"What do you mean, 'the hedgehog'? Of course it's the freakin' hedgehog, who else are we here for? Lyin' in these freaking bushes, waiting him to show his face a bit----"

"Hey, handle me those binoculars...."

"Here you go. You see, he's walking right over there, between those old trees. And man, is he looking scared..."

"Yeah...but what about the bugs?"

"They're on and transmitting live. Each word what that Freedom Fighter scum lets out in that miserable shed are being heard in you-know-where.

"Hey---he's gone. Walked out of sight. And now heading straight to the bait...."

"He is? Excellent. This is Myron calling Team One. Team 1, still alive in there?"

".....Here. Heck, Myron, don't you give your men more than ten minutes to get up and go?"

"Because.... I am so generous to take the responsibility of us all gettin' paid for this. Sorry for the early wakeup, guys, but the time to get him is right here and right now.
SONIC: Let me get this straight. Two or more people are getting paid to blow me away, one of which is named Myron. Who the heck are the others?

KNUCKLES: Don't try to figure it out. You'll just hurt yourself.

SONIC: Oh, that's nice of you ... HEY!

TAILS: Hay is for horses.

SONIC: And lead is for buckshot, which is I'm about to get pumped full of. [glares at the screen]

A short tabby cat slowly walked into an office.
SONIC: Well, sure. You never want to walk QUICKLY into an office.

She saw a chair.. it was swiveled away from her, facing the window. "Yes, secretary?" came a dark, blunt female voice.
TAILS: What does a dark, blunt voice sound like?

KNUCKLES: Duh, sorta wike diff.

TAILS: Oh, thanks. How do we know it's female?

KNUCKLES: [falsetto] Because it sounds like this.

"Uh. Governess.." began the secretary, "The time travelers you hired.. they have reached the correct time frame, and are currently spying on the hedgehog."
TAILS: Well, duh. They have the bugs transmitting right back here, right?

"EXCELLENT!" replied the dark figure. "They might be a couple of dirty, foul-mouthed.. common.. bounty hunters, but I knew they would be able to complete the mission regardless!" There was a short evil cackle.
SONIC: That sounded exactly like a hen about to lay an egg.

"That hedgehog will pay! He will pay for what he has done to my beautiful face! By sending those two back in time to capture Sonic BEFORE adulthood, and bring him back here to meet his OLDER self, his whole balance of time will be disrupted! The exact same matter cannot occupy the same space! He will be trapped in a tear in time itself, for eternity! That is the ONLY suitable punishment for what he did to my face!"
KNUCKLES: I was Miss America four times running before Sonic smeared my makeup!

The figure raised one of her gloved hands, and tenderly caressed her left cheek. "My beautiful, beautiful face.." she lamented. "Ruined forever.."
SONIC: [the governess] Well, there's one consolation. Anybody who looks at me will turn to stone.

The secretary cleared her throat. "There was something else, Governess." she said. "I'm listening." replied the figure in the chair. "They've been spying on the hedgehog's village." said the secretary. "They said something about a 'beast' that was stalking the village.."
TAILS: The lion escaped from the zoo. Nothing to worry about.

"Beast?" asked the figure, with a chuckle. "The time they were sent to.." began the tabby cat, nervously. "It is one month after the.. -ehem- Kope City incident."
SONIC: Wow! A city named for a grocery store!

KNUCKLES: That's 'Copes', Sonic.

"Kope City?" asked the figure, caressing her face. "That was the city which was 'supposedly' devoured by a monster, was it not?" "Yes." replied the secretary. "The scientists at the Time Warp Sector suggest that
TAILS: It's a good day to get Mc Donalds.

it may be the same beast.. it may be dangerous for the bounty hunters to remain." "THEY WILL REMAIN." replied the figure, firmly. "Nothing will stop them from retrieving Sonic the Hedgehog!
KNUCKLES: I have already beat Sonic 2 and 3, and I want that game to complete my collection!

Put 'Plan Gamma' into operation, if you must.
SONIC: E-102, of course.

Just make sure that those lunkheads get that hedgehog!" The secretary let the room, and the figure in the chair caressed her cheek. "You will pay, Sonic." she warned. "Deeply, painfully and dearly. You WILL pay."
SONIC: [as Sonic] All right, all right, how much do you want?

SONIC: It's not really such a bad fic.

[Tails and Knuckles stare at him]

TAILS: Knux, I think he cracked. The strain was too much.

SONIC: Hey, I'm okay, really! I was just saying that the story's not too bad!

KNUCKLES: I'm afraid it's serious, Tails. It's okay, Sonic, we understand. Just calm down ...

[Sonic backs away as Tails and Knuckles slowly advance]

SONIC: Hey! What are you guys doing? Not the straitjacket again! Noooo!!!

[Sonic turns and runs out of the theater, Knuckles and Tails hot on his heels.]

[Commercials]